The first thing people say to me when they see me for the first time in a long time is "OH MY GOD, HOW MUCH DID YOU LOSE?"
But oh, dearies, its not about what i've lost its what i've gained.
Its the first time in my life that i feel i am winning the fight. Each morning i get on the scale (I need this reality check every day. its a personal choice) and now only 8 pounds away to my final goal, each pound lost is another punch square between the eyes of this fat fight, i'm only seconds away to hearing the bell ring, my fist being forced high up into the air, sweat dripping down every inch of my body, and the referee declaring me the winner. Its happening.
And with this winning fight - I've gained strength - mental and physical. I'm there with the best of them when sitting in front of a plate of cookies and brownies - grabbing for the best looking, glistening baked good. But i'm not grabbing it to make me feel better - i'm grabbing it because dammit it tastes freaking amazing.
I've gained self worth, confidence in an amount beyond i've ever imagined - i still need work though, i still can't get on a stage without feeling as if i am going into cardiac arrest (however that might feel, i'm pretty sure i'm feeling it with my stage fright) but today i could walk through a room of strangers with my head up without fear of being stared at, of being different. We went to our first kettlebell class today in the city. Newbies. I didn't think once that i didn't belong, that i couldn't keep up with the pros, that i didn't look good in my workout clothes, that being a new face was a bad/awkward thing. Today I was excited about being the new face, not nervous, not awkward, not scared, not running the other way. Yeah, this is me now. Whoever you knew before - she's not here. And don't ask me where she went.
I have gained this sense of "i'm just like everyone else" but - when i see overweight people i still think we are the same. i used to think i was extremely different because i was fat - i felt like an outcast to society. But i see overweight people and i don't feel that way about them. I know for a fact there are people out there who are assholes and treat overweight people like outcasts - everyone should live "different" for a day. It should be a requirement to function in society. Feel free to be a jackass after you've lived "different" then we know you're just a true jackass and there is no help for you.
My brain is finally catching up to the mirror.
But i still have a lot to get through. It can't stop after 8 pounds. - not the weight loss silly - the gaining of strength, confidence, striving for the best for my life and my family.
I know there's a handful of you who've seen it deep down in me all along. No need to look deep down any further. Thank you <3
