When I told my boss I was writing a memoir and pitching it to agents he said “You’re writing a memoir?! You’re so young!” He went on to question how could I have so much to write about at this young age.
I didn’t get into it because he only spends so much time engaged with me before he needs to check his emails.
My boss is a good person and I forgive him for this moment because he only knows me so much, he most certainly does not know me well. But I don’t forgive myself for questioning whether I actually DID have something to write about after he said it.
My whole life has been a “but who am I to deserve that?” Or “I’m probably not good enough.” It’s so easy to tilt in that direction still.
But telling people I was going to a book conference and agent pitch slam not only gave me accountability, it also gave me a drop of hope in my puddle of self doubt.
In the moments that I believe my story is important to tell I simultaneous believe I have worth, and coming from someone who was taught that her talents weren’t worth a dime, this is an entire overall personal transformation I didn’t see coming.
When people ask me what’s taking so long and I make excuses about time and “it’s hard” well, I could do better on making the time but damn, it IS hard. I sometimes find myself lightheaded and emotional after reliving some painful experiences. Putting them on paper conjures ghosts, rips open wounds and resurfaces scars.
But just like losing my 85lbs and transforming my body physically years ago, anything worth doing, is hard. Anything you want bad enough will push you to your limits, make you feel uncomfortable and without question, ultimately change you.
This Thanksgiving, in addition to the usual list of things I’m thankful for, I am especially thankful for the personal strength I’ve had to slowly push over barriers I’ve set up in my life and for the support from my wife, my friends and family in my recent strides towards accomplishing this ginormous task of writing my story and preparing it to share with the world.
I didn’t get into it because he only spends so much time engaged with me before he needs to check his emails.
My boss is a good person and I forgive him for this moment because he only knows me so much, he most certainly does not know me well. But I don’t forgive myself for questioning whether I actually DID have something to write about after he said it.
My whole life has been a “but who am I to deserve that?” Or “I’m probably not good enough.” It’s so easy to tilt in that direction still.
But telling people I was going to a book conference and agent pitch slam not only gave me accountability, it also gave me a drop of hope in my puddle of self doubt.
In the moments that I believe my story is important to tell I simultaneous believe I have worth, and coming from someone who was taught that her talents weren’t worth a dime, this is an entire overall personal transformation I didn’t see coming.
When people ask me what’s taking so long and I make excuses about time and “it’s hard” well, I could do better on making the time but damn, it IS hard. I sometimes find myself lightheaded and emotional after reliving some painful experiences. Putting them on paper conjures ghosts, rips open wounds and resurfaces scars.
But just like losing my 85lbs and transforming my body physically years ago, anything worth doing, is hard. Anything you want bad enough will push you to your limits, make you feel uncomfortable and without question, ultimately change you.
This Thanksgiving, in addition to the usual list of things I’m thankful for, I am especially thankful for the personal strength I’ve had to slowly push over barriers I’ve set up in my life and for the support from my wife, my friends and family in my recent strides towards accomplishing this ginormous task of writing my story and preparing it to share with the world.
