Dear lesbian dog owners,
Your discussion and recruiting of your "neighborhood dog club" at the vet needs to stop IMMEDIATELY. Archie the adorable Pomeranian is super cute but your voices are fucking annoying. You wondering why Archie looks sad? Its because your voices are fucking irritating and he wants to go be a fluffy ball of cuteness in peace!
Dear readers,
I apologize for my profanity.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
subway diaries
Really dude with fake rodent hanging over your shoulder? Wearing a black and white striped fedora w a red feather in ur hat? Aviators and green gingham shirt? Get away from me or u and ur rodent are likely to hear me scream bloody murder.
After seeing an episode of "Infested!" This weekend, a reality show about exterminators I look at fuzzy creatures with beadie eyes much differently. They kill cats. Im not ok with that.
In other news, early this morning was a "Lets Get Physical" music video walk off on our train. Knee brace on each knee, zebra shorts, green and yellow workout shirt w a matching sweatband. Stop it now.
Btw MTA no one needs to take the fifth R train in a row. We need an N or a Q.
After seeing an episode of "Infested!" This weekend, a reality show about exterminators I look at fuzzy creatures with beadie eyes much differently. They kill cats. Im not ok with that.
In other news, early this morning was a "Lets Get Physical" music video walk off on our train. Knee brace on each knee, zebra shorts, green and yellow workout shirt w a matching sweatband. Stop it now.
Btw MTA no one needs to take the fifth R train in a row. We need an N or a Q.
relaxed and ready to get out of here.
funny things come to mind when i'm relaxed. and i start to relax around 5:20pm. thats ten minutes before i get to leave work.
tonight i'll get to drag my ass around astoria park after the hungry hungry hippo hurricane weekend i had.
yeah thats right, whats better than being forced to sit home for 48 hours straight and because you stocked up on "non perishables" it gives you the right to eat everything even though your power didn't go out.
see we didn't stock up on non perishables but we had it planned for michelle's family to come over and celebrate her birthday. our party crasher, irene, left us with a lot of goodies to consume. the party wasn't a total bust, but i mean, why not cook swedish meatballs for an army, chicken nugget things with honey mustard dipping sauce and hot cheddar and salsa dip? WHY NOT? irene is coming! what else do we have to do with ourselves but to fill the tub with water, wait for the electric to go out and EAT!?
and then, when the power doesn't go out, the tub gets emptied and you weigh yourself what kind of excuse do you have?
no excuse. not even an excuse to escape the track waiting for you at the end of the day today. as you sluggishly climbed the subway stairs this morning, out of breath and you say "damn you swedish meatballs, cheese and crackers, diet mountain dew! DAMN YOU IRENE!"
i feel for people named irene. you know they just were the brunt of everyone's jokes and probably wanted to punch everyone i the face all week and weekend.
three minutes to go. hopefully the trains run so slow i can get out another blog post. if not, let me just say this - lady gaga is amazing and i can guarantee you, one of your relatives dresses in drag in secrecy. TIME TO GET USED TO IT!
JO CALDERONE!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
takin it to the streets
Here is my first entry from the streets aka not at a computer.
I found it to be very unfortunate that a whole box of trix cereal was smashed to pieces on the platform for the uptown 6 at lex and 51st.
Today on my way to the subway walking thru the park I took note of the mouse/rat that appeared to either be dead or resting. A woman walking her dog gave mouse/rat a look of disappointment and looked at me and said something in broken english I didn't understand but acknowledged anyway...moments later after she was long gone I realized she said "he need a nap he lazy" Idk. Just sharing.
I always give my seat to pregnant women on the subway and I want to punch people who don't when I don't have a seat to give up. There have been an awful lot of pregnant women too. They are everywhere and when I see them I look at their belly and want to say to growing baby "ur lucky u don't know how bad this guy's B.O. is next to me baby."
I found it to be very unfortunate that a whole box of trix cereal was smashed to pieces on the platform for the uptown 6 at lex and 51st.
Today on my way to the subway walking thru the park I took note of the mouse/rat that appeared to either be dead or resting. A woman walking her dog gave mouse/rat a look of disappointment and looked at me and said something in broken english I didn't understand but acknowledged anyway...moments later after she was long gone I realized she said "he need a nap he lazy" Idk. Just sharing.
I always give my seat to pregnant women on the subway and I want to punch people who don't when I don't have a seat to give up. There have been an awful lot of pregnant women too. They are everywhere and when I see them I look at their belly and want to say to growing baby "ur lucky u don't know how bad this guy's B.O. is next to me baby."
There's a Hurricane A'Comin
i am worried about hurricane irene.
there i said it.
i'm already thinking about boarding up my windows and taking cover. i cannot concentrate about much else.
well, thats not completely true.
there i said it.
i'm already thinking about boarding up my windows and taking cover. i cannot concentrate about much else.
well, thats not completely true.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
BARAMI IS HAVING A SALE!
and so, that is where i went for cover during the earthquake of 2011.
actually this is how it happened:
barami having an 80% off sale.
i'm browsing.
i exit barami.
cell phone rings.
michelle: ARE YOU OKAY?
me: yeah! i went to a sale at barami before calling you first.
michelle: OMG THANK GOD YOU'RE OKAY. WE'RE HAVING AN EARTHQUAKE.
i pull my half eaten turkey sandwich from my bag and continue on with my afternoon. guessing i should head back to the building and see if my podmates monica and ileana are okay, i keep looking for signs of said earthquake from the other pedestrians. no word, no cell phone talk of it, no grasping of one another and freaking out, nothing.
i get closer to my building and everyone the starts piling out of the building like ants from their hole.
i run into christina, a coworker of mine who actually moved here from virginia, "the epicenter of the quake" (as randomer put it to me later, pump up the dramatics) a few months ago and she says she doesn't understand when this earthquake occurred, i told her i understood, i felt crazy because i was at barami's 80% off sale.
i get in touch with monica and ileana and they asked me if i was okay and i said i didn't feel anything i was at the sale at barami.
and then started the randomer asking me questions about what happened. "do we know anything yet?" "5.8" i said "earthquake" ::EXCLAMATORY VOICE:: FIVE POINT 8!
i hear margarita, my other coworker on her cell phone "cinco (word for point in spanish) ocho" (or however you spell 8 in spanish).
it wasn't until i was about to go back up that i realized the randomer works in my office, i didn't recognize her without her desk in front of her.
some people went home, some people came back up into the building and here i am. at my desk.
i email my boss: just checking in, you know, because we had an earthquake, which i didn't feel. hope you are well.
his response: thanks. didn't feel it here either.
i wonder if he was at the barami sale too.
actually this is how it happened:
barami having an 80% off sale.
i'm browsing.
i exit barami.
cell phone rings.
michelle: ARE YOU OKAY?
me: yeah! i went to a sale at barami before calling you first.
michelle: OMG THANK GOD YOU'RE OKAY. WE'RE HAVING AN EARTHQUAKE.
i pull my half eaten turkey sandwich from my bag and continue on with my afternoon. guessing i should head back to the building and see if my podmates monica and ileana are okay, i keep looking for signs of said earthquake from the other pedestrians. no word, no cell phone talk of it, no grasping of one another and freaking out, nothing.
i get closer to my building and everyone the starts piling out of the building like ants from their hole.
i run into christina, a coworker of mine who actually moved here from virginia, "the epicenter of the quake" (as randomer put it to me later, pump up the dramatics) a few months ago and she says she doesn't understand when this earthquake occurred, i told her i understood, i felt crazy because i was at barami's 80% off sale.
i get in touch with monica and ileana and they asked me if i was okay and i said i didn't feel anything i was at the sale at barami.
and then started the randomer asking me questions about what happened. "do we know anything yet?" "5.8" i said "earthquake" ::EXCLAMATORY VOICE:: FIVE POINT 8!
i hear margarita, my other coworker on her cell phone "cinco (word for point in spanish) ocho" (or however you spell 8 in spanish).
it wasn't until i was about to go back up that i realized the randomer works in my office, i didn't recognize her without her desk in front of her.
some people went home, some people came back up into the building and here i am. at my desk.
i email my boss: just checking in, you know, because we had an earthquake, which i didn't feel. hope you are well.
his response: thanks. didn't feel it here either.
i wonder if he was at the barami sale too.
life's not the french riviera
everytime i have something to seriously write, i am not near a computer. apparently i can send posts to my blog via my cellular device, but i am not sure if i am ready for that technological freedom. there is just something about the doogie houser/carrie bradshaw traditional "i am at a computer putting down all my thoughts" situation that makes blogging more satisfying.
watch. tomorrow i'll be sending updates every minute via the cell.
lets discuss pulling a detour.
yesterday in barnes and noble i was walking along with my headphones on through the stacks of books. i had my head down looking at my playlist when i recognized a pair of tan, peep toe shoes with a dark brown patent leather lining. 'i know these shoes' i thought 'omg its carol'
carol was the woman who trained me here at my new office. now, its not that carol isn't nice with her short, obviously dyed red hair, sweater tied around neck, tortoise framed glasses and awkward shaped body, its just that i had nothing to say to carol and she is the type of person to want to "catch up" and i was not about to "catch up with carol" - which by the way, is a great title for a talk show.
i was actually impressed with carol, that she didn't have her reebok's on with her skirt. because amid the sea of stark white sneakers and slacks, i spotted her shoes. thank goodness. there would've been no detour and it would've been all catching up with carol. and if you read yesterday's blog, you would know that right before i detoured carol i was visited by a hobbit sluping out of a yellow plastic bag. i would've needed a lunch hour for the lunch hour (you know how those people say "i need a vacation after my vacation! ah teehee" NO.)
more later...
watch. tomorrow i'll be sending updates every minute via the cell.
lets discuss pulling a detour.
yesterday in barnes and noble i was walking along with my headphones on through the stacks of books. i had my head down looking at my playlist when i recognized a pair of tan, peep toe shoes with a dark brown patent leather lining. 'i know these shoes' i thought 'omg its carol'
carol was the woman who trained me here at my new office. now, its not that carol isn't nice with her short, obviously dyed red hair, sweater tied around neck, tortoise framed glasses and awkward shaped body, its just that i had nothing to say to carol and she is the type of person to want to "catch up" and i was not about to "catch up with carol" - which by the way, is a great title for a talk show.
i was actually impressed with carol, that she didn't have her reebok's on with her skirt. because amid the sea of stark white sneakers and slacks, i spotted her shoes. thank goodness. there would've been no detour and it would've been all catching up with carol. and if you read yesterday's blog, you would know that right before i detoured carol i was visited by a hobbit sluping out of a yellow plastic bag. i would've needed a lunch hour for the lunch hour (you know how those people say "i need a vacation after my vacation! ah teehee" NO.)
more later...
Monday, August 22, 2011
Lunchtime Adventures and such.
I currently follow Cat Kuehn's fashion blog. its called ....um...Cat Got Dressed. She's my little cousin, although she is no longer little. She is going to make me a dress for her wedding in November, how selfish of me. "hey cat, plan on making me a dress for your wedding, on top of everything else you have to do to plan your wedding. thanks!!"
So I don't normally blog but I love to write, so I'm going to give this my best shot. My last job didn't allow us to have access to blog sites but now I am free to blog!!
Lets talk about LinkedIn. I feel like, i don't know.... LinkedIn tries to be business facebook. I could be wrong because I only signed up for LinkedIn to get information about somebody, you know, just to see a picture of them or something, and that was the last I used it and now I've gotten a billion requests to LINK IN with people and I just want to unsubscribe.
Unsubscribe. Love that little link at the end of those junk e-mails that I should really click but I don't because really? What would I do if my phone just didn't go off every minute of the morning from 5am - 8am? what would I do if i didn't roll my eyes at all the junk e-mails i get to my now old e-mail address? I need SOMETHING to complain about! and then, when a jem of a junk e-mail rolls through, like a coupon or a notification that someone has free shipping or 15% off happening, I say to myself, this is why i can't unsubscribe!
Someone in one of the offices is listening to an opera - but i can't hear it all the way. that i hate the most. can't stand that. let me hear what you're listening to don't give me muffled version!!! Even if it is an opera!
Today at lunch this exhausted old hobbit sat down at the table i was sitting at. I had my AMNew York spread out in front of me with my homemade lunch and I was perusing the article about the MTA's new additions of subways and trains which won't open until 2016 (why do they waste their time and our money when the world is ending next year?) and I understand that people need a seat and i'm sitting at a 6 top, just me and my bag - but there was something about her that turned my stomach. Maybe it was the hobbit part. or maybe it was because she took out her own homemade lunch and instead of taking it out of the yellow plastic bag she put her head into the bag and started slurping up whatever was inside of it. Needless to say i calmly sipped my water, gathered my trash (love that word), closed my AMNew York and slowly pulled it together to leave the table, TRYING NOT TO SEEM LIKE i was leaving because hobbit was slurping lunch out of yellow plastic bag.
So I don't normally blog but I love to write, so I'm going to give this my best shot. My last job didn't allow us to have access to blog sites but now I am free to blog!!
Lets talk about LinkedIn. I feel like, i don't know.... LinkedIn tries to be business facebook. I could be wrong because I only signed up for LinkedIn to get information about somebody, you know, just to see a picture of them or something, and that was the last I used it and now I've gotten a billion requests to LINK IN with people and I just want to unsubscribe.
Unsubscribe. Love that little link at the end of those junk e-mails that I should really click but I don't because really? What would I do if my phone just didn't go off every minute of the morning from 5am - 8am? what would I do if i didn't roll my eyes at all the junk e-mails i get to my now old e-mail address? I need SOMETHING to complain about! and then, when a jem of a junk e-mail rolls through, like a coupon or a notification that someone has free shipping or 15% off happening, I say to myself, this is why i can't unsubscribe!
Someone in one of the offices is listening to an opera - but i can't hear it all the way. that i hate the most. can't stand that. let me hear what you're listening to don't give me muffled version!!! Even if it is an opera!
Today at lunch this exhausted old hobbit sat down at the table i was sitting at. I had my AMNew York spread out in front of me with my homemade lunch and I was perusing the article about the MTA's new additions of subways and trains which won't open until 2016 (why do they waste their time and our money when the world is ending next year?) and I understand that people need a seat and i'm sitting at a 6 top, just me and my bag - but there was something about her that turned my stomach. Maybe it was the hobbit part. or maybe it was because she took out her own homemade lunch and instead of taking it out of the yellow plastic bag she put her head into the bag and started slurping up whatever was inside of it. Needless to say i calmly sipped my water, gathered my trash (love that word), closed my AMNew York and slowly pulled it together to leave the table, TRYING NOT TO SEEM LIKE i was leaving because hobbit was slurping lunch out of yellow plastic bag.
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